In light of the recent attention directed to reality TV stars Jon and Kate Gosselin (Jon and Kate Plus Eight) after word of their divorce was made public, many are wondering what it takes for a marriage to survive.
After all, if rallying around eight children – a set of twins and a set of sextuplets – won’t keep a ten-year marriage together, what will? Is anyone immune anymore? Tragically, we know that divorce is also prevalent among churchgoers. So what can be done to enrich and preserve a marriage?
Let me suggest three keys to safeguard a marriage: devotion, practice, and avoidance.
First, one needs a good dose of devotion. However, the devotion I am referring to is not just devotion to one another, but devotion to God. This latter kind of devotion is that which leads to a regular “devotional life” of Bible-reading and prayer.
These twin acts form an incredible protective covering for marriage. I honestly don’t know of a couple who has experienced marital collapse while both partners have maintained a meaningful devotional life of Bible-reading and prayer. There have been numerous times in our 33 years of marriage when either my wife or I have approached the other after a time of devotional reflection to ask the other’s forgiveness. Devotion to God will keep one devoted to his or her spouse.
Second, I recommend the practice of five healthy relationship boosters: time, talk, touch, traditions, and tenderness. These acts have the capacity to enrich any relationship. Let’s briefly take a look at each.
In a multi-tasking world with numerous electronic distractions, it’s easy to forfeit uninterrupted time with a spouse. Take time everyday to give undivided attention to your marriage partner. There is no better way to say, “I love you.”
Meaningful talk, which includes being an engaged listener, communicates value. It’s a way of saying, “you are so important to me that I want to tell you my dreams and frustrations, and I also want to hear yours.”
Recent studies on touch have confirmed its power to reduce stress, soothe and heal. Jesus certainly understood this principle; his touch healed diseases, raised the dead, and comforted children.
Traditions bond people together around a shared experience, thus conveying a sense of belonging. These traditions can be as simple as sharing a bowl of popcorn on Sunday nights, wading in the river while watching fireworks on the 4th of July, or bundling up and going for a walk together at the first sight of snow. Novel traditions imprint a unique brand on a relationship.
Tenderness is a way of communicating and behaving that is mutually beneficial. Many of us operate in a rough-and-tumble world where cutting remarks and personal slights rule the day. In such a world there is nothing better than to anticipate a haven where kindness in talk and actions is the norm. Intentionally practicing these five behaviors until they become relational habits will go a long way towards improving and, thus, protecting one’s marriage.
Third, avoidance of potentially compromising situations is critical. The truth is that many of us have grown up feeling independent and we have become proud of our self-reliance. Sometimes that self-reliance blinds us to potential relationship danger.
Even an outstanding young man like Joseph, with unblemished character, knew avoidance was the best way to stay out of trouble (see Gen. 39:10). My wife and I have made it a practice not to ride alone with a person of the opposite sex, even if it is just across town to enjoy a meal with others. We avoid sharing, or listening to, highly personal information when it involves a friend or co-worker of the opposite sex.
Though we have been ridiculed by some for our position on these matters, we have found that old-fashioned restraint has served us well. Affairs and marriage failures don’t happen because someone surprisingly finds himself or herself in bed with another, but because small compromises that could have been avoided were never halted at their inception. The Song of Songs (2:15) reminds us that it’s “the little foxes that ruin the vineyards.” So it is in marriage. The little compromises that seem inconsequential at the time, and that could be avoided, are those likely to destroy a productive harvest of years of marital bliss.
In summary, to build a marriage that lasts, take God seriously, establish healthy relationship patterns, and go the extra mile in staying away from potential trouble even if others think you are a bit extreme.
Marriage takes work; and devotion, practice, and avoidance are good places to begin. By the way, wouldn’t it be great to see a reality television program that featured a married couple learning to master these three behaviors?
Dr. Kent Olney is chairman of the Department of Behavioral Sciences and a professor of sociology at Olivet Nazarene University.
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