Guest feature: Facilitating faithful fatherhood

By Bethany Mills, Psy.D

In our current culture, dads are getting short-changed.

Most of the fathers in sitcoms are portrayed as self-absorbed, lacking common sense and the most basic of parenting skills.

Fortunately a large body of evidence supports the role of fathers and the masculinity implied therein needed for the healthy psychosocial development of children.

So how do we empower and equip fathers for their God-given roles?

There are seven important areas important to a child's development: child’s characteristics and development, father’s personality & developmental history, father’s work, marital relationship, and social network.

I feel the religious/spiritual perspective needs to be the foundation of a model of the determinants of parenting.

By adding this component, this model, when tailored specifically for fathers, may encompass a comprehensive approach to facilitating faith-filled fatherhood.

Child’s Characteristics & Developmental History

A child’s temperament and the parent’s response style play roles in the development of interactions between parents and children.

A child with a difficult temperament may be less predictable or more difficult to soothe, thus affecting the way a parent responds.

A child with this temperament paired with a depressed father will likely have more negative interactions than a child with an easy temperament and a father who does not struggle with depression.

While a difficult child temperament and paternal depression are not insurmountable, we must teach our fathers about these potential pitfalls to equip them for more informed, understanding parenting.

Father’s Personality & Developmental History

Much of the research regarding fathers and personality examine whether the father’s parenting skills affect the child’s personality.

There does not appear to be much research on personality styles or healthy personality traits of the parent as a determinant of parenting.

However, the research does highlight the negative effects of a parent’s mental illness on parenting.

There are scores of studies examining how a parent responds to a child when the parent is depressed or manic.

The example of the depressed father used earlier can also be used to explain this phenomenon to our clients.

If fathers are struggling with mental illness, optimal parenting may be sacrificed to simply get through the day.

When taking into account a father’s developmental history, how many times have we heard, “My father raised me this way and it didn’t kill me and I turned out okay?”

Research demonstrates that parents often use the same type of parenting approach as that with which they were raised.

For example, if a parent used harsh discipline with a child, that child often believed that sort of discipline was the norm and was more accepting of using that same discipline with his children5&6.

Today, we know so much more about the optimal environment for child development (two-parent homes, involved fathers and mothers, new discipline techniques, etc;) that to encourage parents to solely use their parents’ framework may be setting them up for a rough road.

We need to encourage better parenting than we received.

Marriage of Parents

It’s no surprise to Christians in this field that issues in the parent’s marriage bleed over into the relationships with the kids.

We’ve seen spouses disrespecting one another in front of the children and then turn to us for help when the children are disrespectful.

We need to let fathers know that the marital relationship, whether the father is married, separated, or divorced, sets the foundation for all other familial relationships.

Fathers looking to strengthen their relationships with their children need to be prepared to also do some work on their marriages.

Parents and therapists alike tell adolescents that who they hang around with will rub off on them.

If it’s true for adolescents, isn’t it also true for adults?

While adults have more life experience and better judgment, often when in the middle of situations and events, our vision is clouded.

Scripture tells us to surround ourselves with people that will encourage and sustain us, those who will be a support and positive influence.

Fathers need to examine their friendships and relationships and determine which ones help them become better parents and people.

Fathers can also be so involved in their social networks that there is little time to spend with their children.

Not long ago I heard the overused phrase, “I may not give my child quantity time, but what time I do spend with them is quality time.”

Children need both.

Dr. Bethany Mills is a licensed clinical psychologist and director of Counseling Services at Olivet Nazarene University.