Guest Feature: Don’t Miss the Mark! Make the Mark!

By Bethany Mills

Every year around December 28 or so, folks all over the country, possibly all over the world, engage in the art of creating New Year’s resolutions.

A few weeks later, around January 21or so, folks all over the country, possibly all over the world give up on their New Year’s resolutions.

Resolutions can be anything from wanting to lose weight to wanting to get better grades. For some, the issues may be a little more serious. Perhaps you committed that this would be the year when you would never look at porn again or you would always being honest in your relationships.

At this point, you may be totally frustrated at what you think is a lack of ability to attain your goal. You may think that you’ll never reach that point where you can cross this particular area of life off your “To-Do” list. Whatever it is, if you’re still reading this, keep reading. I have some hope for you to set a goal and actually achieve it!

There are a few things you need to keep in mind when setting goals. The types of goals you’ll set are often the hidden keys to actually accomplishing those goals.

Own it!

Don’t let someone else set your goals. You have to own your own goals or you won’t be motivated to get there.

My dad used to say, “I think you need to work to get all A’s this semester. If you do, I’ll give you _____.”

Well, needless to say, that was his goal for me, not mine. I was a good student, but I didn’t feel like I needed to get all A’s in order to be a good student. After all, I wanted to have some sort of social life! (The profs on campus are probably going to kill me for writing that. But, that was what I thought at the time and may not necessarily reflect that attitude I take toward my studies now!)

In counseling, I don’t set goals for my clients. They have to decide what they want and how they want to get there. My job is to walk with them through the process, think of as many options to get them from Point A to Point B, and consider the consequences of each of those options. I’ve learned that if I set goals for them, they won’t work as hard and may give up all too soon.

If you don’t own your goals, you’ll be trying to please someone else. When you realize that no matter what you do, someone will want you to do it differently or work on something else altogether, you’ll be frustrated and throw in the towel.

Make it reasonable & realistic!

After I had my last baby, I had about 20 pounds to lose to get to my ideal weight and size for my height and build. If I vowed to lose 20 lbs in a month by not changing my eating habits or exercising, I’d have been setting myself up to fail. If you are barely scraping by with a 1.5 GPA, to set your goal on a 3.5 is not reasonable or realistic. The first time you’d get a D on a test, you’d probably tell yourself, “See, you just can’t do it” and walk away from a worthy pursuit.

Goals have to be reasonable. Is it reasonable to lose weight without changing any of your eating or fitness habits? No! Is it reasonable to think that if you’ve been looking at porn on a daily basis since you were 13 that you’re going to go cold turkey just because you want to and it’s a new year? Absolutely not!

Now, hear me, God can intervene and take away a bad habit if He chooses to. Sometimes He does. But, I cannot even begin to count the numbers of young men AND women who sit in my office in tears and shame who say things like, “I’ve tried to quit and I’ve prayed about it, but I’m still hooked no matter what I do.” Most of the time the goals they set for themselves are unrealistic and those students beat themselves up and continue to live in the guilt and shame. It’s not that they lack the motivation and desire. Sometimes the goals are just too high at this moment and they need to take baby steps to get to the ultimate objective.

Make it measurable!

I’m using the example of weight loss because it’s the most common New Year’s resolution. Can you measure weight loss in pounds or the size of clothes you’re wearing? Duh! Yes! But, how many times have we set goals to lose a certain amount of weight but have never gotten there? Many times it’s because we haven’t included in that goal measurable ways to get there.

You have to have a plan. How are you going to get from Point A to Point B? With weight loss, you need to plan out in baby steps how you’re going to lose 20 lbs. Are you going to run? Swim? Bike? Tae Bo? (Does anyone do that anymore?) How many miles? How many laps? How many minutes?

Start small. Break down that 20 lbs into 5 lbs chunks. Say, “I want to lose 5 lbs in 4 weeks.” (Medical professionals say healthy weight loss is 2 lbs per week.) Notice that keeping healthy weight loss in mind, I didn’t say I wanted to lose 10 lbs in 2 weeks. Could I? Probably if I starved myself and exercised like crazy. But, I want to do it the right way. Why? Because if I do it the wrong way I’ll gain the weight back plus some and have to do this all again next year.
If you’re looking at porn every day for three hours, look at it every day for two hours.

Some folks will put this article down and say, “Dr. Mills said I could look at porn for two hours a day.” That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying to be reasonable and make it measureable.

Instead of looking at this scenario in a negative light (“I’m still looking at porn every day and I’ll never be free from it”) look at it this way: If you look at porn for only two hours a day instead of three hours a day every day for a week, you will have cut your porn viewing by seven hours a week. That’s over a 30 percent reduction in your time viewing porn! Hallelujah! Can you imagine how it would change your life if you spent that third hour reading your Bible, praying, talking to a godly person about this issue who could hold you accountable, or simply doing something other than filling your mind with lust and sex?

Once you reach that goal, set another one, and another, and another until porn no longer has a hold on your life. Outside of an act of God in your life, most folks will not walk away from a porn addiction in a week. Those types of things develop a much longer period of time, and we’re lying to ourselves if we can think that we can walk away from it in a week or month or semester outside of God stepping in and rescuing us from it.

Outline baby steps each day or each week to get you from where you are to where you want to be. You’ll be able to see where you need to go and how to get there. Little by little, you’ll realize you’re on the road to your aspirations!

CELEBRATE!

Keep track of your successes and rejoice in the little things!

Instead of always focusing on your shortcomings, find out what you’re doing right! Then CELEBRATE like its New Year’s Eve!

Pat yourself on the back. Share your story with someone else. Encourage someone else in their strivings by talking with them about the hurdles you’ve cleared in your own life. Look at the bright side.

I still have 5 lbs. in my 20 pound goal. But, hey! I’m 15 lbs. lighter than I was after I had my baby and my pants are too big! Have I met my overall goal yet? No, but I’m SO much closer than I was 9 months ago! Do I have more work to do? Yes! But, I know what to do and how to do it and I’ll get there! If I can do it, ANYONE CAN DO IT!

You don’t have to wait until next year! Get back on track! If you need a coach, let me know! I’m always looking for folks to encourage along the way!


Bethany Mills Psy.D. is Olivet’s director of counseling services. Dr. Mills is a self-proclaimed non-athlete but competed in (and finished) two sprint triathlons this past year.