Guest feature: Stairway to Heavenly Communication

By Dale Goodman

In any relationship, it's very easy to misunderstand each other.

We bring poor paradigms for communication, lack skill and often have very clogged filters for decoding truth. Often what's shared gets lost in our toxic perceptions. We declare our perceptions as absolute truth, and truth without any appropriate cross-examination can be catastrophic.

A formula for disaster: Perceptions +Assumptions = Distortion

A formula for success: Perceptions + Confirmation = Validation

So how can you achieve clearer, truth-filled communication and avoid misunderstandings in your relationships?

There are three important steps on the stairway to heavenly communication.

Step 1: Suspend judgment

It's easy to jump to conclusions. However, we must not be too quick to judge another person’s heart or motives. "O, I know what they mean." "I know what they are implying." It is incredible how distorted communication can become when a person incorrectly reads into something another person has said.

I’ve seen this far too often marital counseling. I will ask a spouse to repeat exactly what they heard their partner say. The spouse often hears what they thought the other was implying or meaning. Then I ask the other spouse if this is what they said. Many times, the partner did not speak any such thing.

Step 2: Stay logical

It is easy to lose objectivity when you feel personally attacked. The challenge is to not believe you are being attacked. Keep your emotions in check, and don’t give in to the initial knee jerk reaction.

When emotions kick in, logic and objectivity normally take a hike for the hills. We go off on those closest to us, as if they were our worst enemy. We declare them guilty, immediately go on the attack and began to rip them apart. Sound familiar?

So, my friends, as much as it depends on you, in situations involving tough communication, keep it in your head, not your heart. Avoid the trickle-down effect.

To help you maintain control of your emotions, make sure you are keeping yourself healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually.

* Get your sleep
* Exercise
* Eat well
* Spend time in the Scriptures

Step 3: Pre-Qualify your assumptions

Your goal as a good communicator is to seek what is true. Your perceptions, though they may seem true, could be false.

How many times have you reacted to what you thought you heard your friend or loved one say, only to discover after a big fight, you were wrong? All this wasted emotion, hurt and damage comes from misunderstandings and/or false interpretations.

To avoid this, you must verify, confirm or clarify your assumptions.

Discover what is true! If in any doubt, you must challenge what you think, feel or assume you heard.

"You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." John 8:32

Dale Goodman is the director of the alumni network for Olivet’s School of Graduate and Continuing Studies. He holds a master’s in counseling and a doctorate in marriage and family studies, and has more than 25 years of education and experience in the counseling field.